crossroads

"When way leads to way, I fear I shall never return."  I have heard my father say that at most watershed moments in my life: when I left for school, when I got married, when I looked at going overseas.  Decisions are like being at the Louvre.  It is not your standard museum.   There are halls connecting rooms and in the new room there are more halls.  I feel this way about life.  It is as if I when I make a choice it puts me in a new room with several doors.  When I take one, it puts me in another room with several doors.  When way leads to way, I fear I shall never return.

There has been a fork in the road which has frustrated us for a long time.  Not so much because we cannot decide--we are completely comfortable with either road--but because we are never allowed to decide.  For several years now we have been looking at going overseas with a particular organization.  We have made it far with them and had many set backs.  There have been several points along the road wherein our journey was nearly aborted.  I am a resourceful person, sometimes overly resourceful.  I can think of many ways to continue follow God on the path to which I have been called and gifted.  I have always had other plans and opportunities but never really explored/followed them since things appeared to be so close to fruition with the company.  Several times they would set us back by a conference or departure [typically due to incompetency on their part, though this is always spiritualized as "God's timing"].  At these points I would always look at this fork in the road.  But, "what is another 6 months?" I would tell my self.  And so the fork continues to back up like a mirage in the desert.  This goes on for almost two years. 

We finally get to a conference, pick a job and are approved.  Then they back us up one more "training" camp.  They had overbooked and delayed us and three other families.  We get there to the next training and everything is going fine until we have a surprise pregnancy.  We were so close to departure.  They had the tickets and everything!  My wife hadn't had her shots yet {though they knew this ahead of time...  apparently this was more of "God's timing" coming into play}.  So, they refuse to send us till after the baby is born and they have their shots {about a year}.  There that cross roads mirage escapes us again.  We {the leadership and I} had agreed on a plan and time table for getting plugged back in.  You probably won't believe this, but they emailed me this week to let me know that this has changed... 

I can hold out to go with the company {my practical side tells me it is only just a few more months--even though all of these "few more months" and "God's timing" delays have amounted to two years.  sheesh, I could have just done deputation...}.  Or I can push forward with my own plan {a new system for reaching people globally through our own international cities.  It would really make a new paradigm in partnering and cooperating with local churches; one the company probably should have shifted to years ago}.  My new plan starts where I am, spreads geographically all across the country and then spring boards overseas in a few years.  I already have two associations, an independent board, and two churches in talks about this idea.

So, for those of you who know me, please be in prayer.  I like either side of the crossroad.  But it is time to choose.  For the record, I have nothing against God's actual timing.  I do have a problem with blaming systemic incompetence on God.  Lest we forget what God's actual timing is: "today is the day of salvation" and "the fields are white for harvest."